Faithful To The End - A Goodbye
Friends,
I will advocate for this for the rest of my days: God changes hearts and reveals His intimacy to us in the darkest of valleys. Not to discredit the highs of the mountains, because God’s goodness and grace is just as evident there. But in my life, it is in the lows of my own mess and difficulty that I have become most aware of God’s incredible faithfulness.
David knew this intimacy with God as he described walking through the valley of death in Psalm 23. The context of many of the Psalms that David wrote was during his retreat from aggressive and powerful enemies. And yet there are other sections within Psalms where David writes on behalf of the pain and consequences of his own sin. At the same time, other sections describe the joys and confidence David had as he stood on mountains of victory and the absolute goodness that God had poured out over his life. If anyone throughout the stories of Scripture understood the highs and lows of life, it was David. From innocent shepherd boy to mighty king, from mighty king to exile in retreat, from a good man to a murderous man filled with sexual inequity, David had experienced every possible intimate angle and emotion and journey with God.
While you will not find a bigger advocate for the goodness and power of God, I am walking into a season and new journey with Jesus that is going to be costly and possibly very painful. From the greatest leaders and world changers for Jesus to the most unseen and lowly of Christian individuals, sin is not exclusive. Temptation is not exclusive. And the consequences of our sin will almost always feel disproportionate. That is the lie that sins sell so well. That somehow integrity can be compromised, that life can be found outside of God’s will, and that the small and continuous grasp of past habits and hidden issues is not that big of a deal. If you know my testimony, you know that the past ten years of my life were filled with habits, desires, and pursuits that I did not own up to and address faithfully. That decision to not fully uncover the root issues, nor walk in a new application or obedience in life, has led to an inner conflict, a deep disposition, and a damaging mindset. Though my heart may want to change, my soul and my spiritual DNA have not been refined, forged, or if needed, really broken to a point of lasting or consistent change. Because I made these choices, there is a disconnect between me and Jesus that is much deeper than I have ever been aware of or willing to admit.
As you may know, a disconnect with Jesus leads to death. It competes with integrity. It breeds sin. And it plants discontentment. In the coming months or years, I will be embarking on a new journey of faith that is essentially going to be chock full of repentance, prayer, and application. Deeper than that, it will be to dive into some of the matters and issues in my soul, my heart, and my mind. And when God wants to do spiritual surgery in our lives, it takes a willingness to learn. For me to really be open to all that God has for me and to walk in obedience, I need to not write. Not speak. Not share an opinion. And not be… here. Of course, a huge part of me wishes it didn’t have to be this way. But pride is just too great. I cannot focus on the well being of others and their journey with the Lord while I have for so long refused to deepen and grow my own relationship with Jesus. It cannot be this way anymore. For the chipping away to happen, the necessary cutting and pulling and discovery to take place, I really need to battle against this pride in my heart.
So, this is my goodbye. For a long time. Until God has done in me what He chooses. Until I have submitted my life to His authority. And until I am even more aware of the goodness and greatness that I have so long advocated for on behalf of others. Now the magnifying glass is on me. The next act is me. The doctor has called my name into the operating room. So here I go.
As I walk into my next season of life, and you walk into yours, here are a few things I have never been more sure of. God is at work in this world. God is at work in our families. And God is at work in our hearts. To God be every little bit of the glory and praise, the tears and joy, the victory and setback, and the fullness of our story. He will be faithful.
~ Ryken
