God In My Darkness
The last 4 years have been the hardest handful of seasons in my life. Depression, anxiety, addiction and pain have been the anchors that I clung to which gave Satan the strongest foothold in my thoughts, feelings, and lifestyle. Yes. Confession is hard! Telling you these things aren’t easy. I am admitting my weakness and abundance of shortcomings, if not flat out inexcusable failures. I played the blame game, while convincing myself that I was merely another victim of hardship. I blamed student loans, easy access to porn, setbacks and circumstances for my sin, my complacency, and my steady transition to lukewarm, cultural and convenient Christianity. I worshiped women, co-dependent relationships, material possessions, tasty food, bail outs and free grace. Thus, my identity spiraled into finding my worth and purpose in the empty promises and false hopes of a world that just like me, was headed for nowhere good. This, is the reality of sin. This is the byproduct of claiming to know God, yet foolishly fooling yourself to think you are right with God and controlled by the power of His Holy Spirit. I was controlled by the power of self, and thus powerless to adequately and rightly process pain, disappointment, or temptation. And yet… Despite my own self deception, my wasted time, and my haughty living, God would still extend His Grace and make victory and healing available to me. It is in grace that the striving of a prodigal Christian is met with the fullness of divine power and sacred justice. There is no work to be done to accept the gift of God’s grace in your life. But there is a choice. A decision to be made. Especially for the carnal Christian. To hand over the darkness. In handing over the darkness, without embellishment and without secrecy, and exchanging it for the work and righteousness of Christ is the only rout towards transformation and change. Redemption is unavailable without our hint of surrender. Grace does not take two to tango. But it takes two to approach the table of hard discussion, confession, and whole hearted surrender. I am choosing to hand my darkness to God. Believing in the miracle of sanctification. Trusting in the the promises Christ has gifted towards those who seek to love Him. And holding fast to the work and hope and reality of the cross. Oh, I wish some of the things in my life didn’t happen. I wish time had not been wasted. And I am sorry I convinced myself of a lie. But looking back in shame and regret is not the rhythm for the redeemed. Walking humbly and confidently forward in victory and life of Jesus is. Will you join me?
